I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
