You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
