chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
