Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
