Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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