Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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