i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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