Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He kissed a someone with a penis
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
she smelled like a LAN party
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
