My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
