where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
