Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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