I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
