I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
