I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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