why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
