Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
