Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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