Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
