I could make wine with my vomit
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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