I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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