Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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