Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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