I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
