FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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