Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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