The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
