I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
