i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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