nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
