I will die if light touches me.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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