So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
