Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
