remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
