then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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