k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
