I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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