She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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