Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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