did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
