I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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