12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You are the jesus of drinking
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
