Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
