$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
