dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
where am i from again
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
