the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
