Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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