if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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