Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
