I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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