tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You can't motorboat a personality
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
