The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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